When Grace Backfires
The following essay is from the Sojo web site; the blogs of the Sojourners magazine community. Campolo writes about how some folks don't respond in happily-ever-after storybook fashion to our attempts to minister in love. And how the more fully we see some folks the more deeply we despise their character. And how sometimes, though we hope it doesn't, from there we move into a deep dislike of them -- personally. Unconditional love isn't easy. Not sure it's even humanly possible. Matter of fact, I'm convinced it ISN'T humanly possible. That's why I need to make myself a vessel for God's grace, as opposed to a dispenser of it.
When Grace Backfires
by Bart Campolo 09-08-2009In 1958 the Teddy Bears released the song “To know him is to love him,” which might as well have been called “To know, know, know, him is to love, love, love, him,” since that’s the way everybody remembers it. Either way, you get the idea: There’s this great guy out there, and the closer you get to him, the better you’re going to feel about him and, in all likelihood, the better he’s going to feel about spending time with you. After all, who doesn’t like being loved for who they really are?
Of course, there is no rule that says you can’t choose instead to get close to a lousy person, no matter how mean, lazy, stupid, violent, or unbelievably selfish he or she might be. On the contrary, there are plenty of rules saying we should do just that, in the name of Jesus. And there are plenty of stories and proverbs suggesting that when we do, wonderful things can happen. And so they do, especially early on in the relationship.
The problem is that to love, love, love a lousy person over a long period of time is … well, to find out just how lousy they are. It is to see for yourself, over and over again, why the rest of the world has left that person alone. In other words, in some cases, the closer you get to someone, the worse you are going to feel about them and, eventually, the worse they are going to feel about spending time with you. After all, who doesn’t hate being disdained for who they really are?
This isn’t an idle meditation on the Teddy Bears’ one and only hit. This is me trying to figure out why some folks who used to love being with me don’t want to be with me anymore, even though all I’ve done is care and help and give and forgive … and quietly lose respect for them even as they fall ever deeper into my debt. Okay, so maybe I’ve already figured out why.
I know I always say this thing is more about loving people than trying to fix them, but it turns out I have been secretly hoping that if our little core group set a tone of mutual love, we would unleash the “inner good neighbor” in everybody else, and a true fellowship of friends would emerge, wherein everybody genuinely cared about each other. It never occurred to me that if folks couldn’t — or just didn’t want to — start improving their lives or giving back to the group, the warmth they initially enjoyed might end up feeling like some kind of negative judgment. It never occurred to me that grace could backfire.
God, how do you keep loving people who can’t stand being known? If you pray, ask that for me.
Bart Campolo is a veteran urban minister and activist who speaks, writes, and blogs about grace, faith, loving relationships, and social justice. Bart is the leader of The Walnut Hills Fellowship in inner-city Cincinnati. He is also founder of Mission Year, which recruits committed young adults to live and work among the poor in inner-city neighborhoods across the U.S., and executive director of EAPE, which develops and supports innovative, cost-effective mission projects around the world.
posted by Wake of the Flood at 3:22 PM
2 Comments:
It seems as though a Methodist and a non-dom are arriving at a place John Calvin spent lots of time at - the realization that there are some humans who will not or refuse to recognize the Grace (love) of God for a myriad of reasons.
Isn't that where we grow the most though? When we encounter something which forces a reexamination of our own core beliefs, beliefs which when examined through the lens of logic and human values would seem stupid and pointless.
I think this also underscores one of the drawbacks for many of the isolating (they sometimes call themselves transformational) congregations of Christians. Their love of God is true; they work hard to live in His presence by creating a complete community of believers. It becomes a place where your children attend Christian schools and associate only with "Christian" people. They play on church sponsored Little League and soccer teams, have their own Boy/Girl Scout troops, socialize within the small groups formed from the thousand plus membership and generally attempt to live "without sin" much the same way I stopped using drugs - avoidance of the situation.
All in all, it can be argued that this sort of devotion COULD lead to spiritual growth. Isn't this how monks and nuns used to do it in the old days? And who would argue the Amish society, through isolation and a steadfast resistance to creature comforts , hasn't avoided some of the troubles modern living generates?
Yet the same approach that can rescue someone from sin is also the approach that can deny them the chance for growth. It's true that one needs time to lay a foundation to live on. But if all we ever watched on TV or studied in school was Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, do you think we would be able to find cures for diseases? How we even know there is a global environmental problem, let alone take responsibility for trying to do something about it? Sure, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
But we don't just watch Mr. Rogers. We go on to larger concepts and ideas. We wrestle with difficult questions in the world. Our jobs and relationships confront us with challenges that are hard, at times seemingly impossible. We make mistakes and learn and go on, hopefully to not make the same errors.
Yet, on Sunday we go behind the walls, into the safety of the castle, put on our red cardigans and sneakers and sing "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood" whether with a Martin Luther traditional, A Mighty Fortress Is Our God or Rich Mullins' Our God Is An Awesome God.
This isn't to say I don't appreciate the value of corporate worship, nor the importance of spending time with others of faith. We all need our batteries charged.
But God has challenged us to get out from behind those walls, not only so that more people might be able to experience His love and goodness. It's also about us growing to understand more about the depth of that love and realizing that He loves the unlovable and they are us.
"Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."
We're talking different issues here. Or I wasn't very clear in my questions.
1. I agree with the main body of your reply. Retreating to the Christian ghetto is not living out the biblical mandate to go and make disciples.
2. And that is NOT what Campolo and communities like his are doing. They even want to avoid "drive-by evangelism". They have chosen to go and live in and amongst people in places of poverty and difficulty, and seek to be leavening agents within the community.
3. Yes, often times our greatest spiritual growth comes in those times and places that challenge either our way of living or our foundational beliefs.
4. This Methodist isn't just arriving at this intersection with Calvin's thinking on election and grace. Been here a long time. And still don't buy Calvin's answer that there are those who were predestined to damnation. That some were created unable to respond to God's invitation.
5. The question is how we, as fallible humans, respond to those who are just like us -- people who want the benefits of God's grace but who refuse and reject the demand for repentance that is an intrinsic part of those benefits? At what point is our concept of unconditional love really just taking the easy route of being enablers? And in those times when we claim we aren't going to help or act because we don't want to be enablers, when is that really our making our love and acceptance of others conditional?
6. I just read the Gospel of Mark again straight through like a short story. I was struck by how the beginning emphasizes that this story is all about the Good News of Jesus Christ and then the majority of the book reveals a very prickly and demanding Jesus who isn't anything like the soft and cuddly love us no matter what Jesus portrayed in modern American Christianity. Which raises lots of questions about how we act and speak as those extending the invitation to discipleship.
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